Not A Good Idea
by RecusantMaverick
Summary: Things you should definitely not do at H.I.V.E. Enjoy. T for slight swearing. I do not own H.I.V.E
1. Chapter 1

Not A Good Idea

** A/N: Some things you really shouldn't do at H.I.V.E. No, seriously, I mean ****_really_****. I'm not responsible if you do.**

1) Steal Shelby's cosmetics.

"WHERE'S MY SHAMPOO!" yelled Shelby, awakening Laura, who sat up and rubbed her eyes.

Shelby was in a rage.

"I don't know. You sure it's even gone?" asked Laura.

Shelby pointed to the shelf where all her shampoo, make up, conditioner, etc usually stood. It was all gone. Laura raised an eyebrow. Then she acted on a hunch and checked H.I.V.E Chat.

AwesomeOtto/1:45 am: Shelby's gonna kill me, but oh well. Hide them 4 now.

AwesomeOtto/7:50 am: Down the toilet they go!

Shelby came over and saw the chat.

"NOOO! My precious!" she yelled.

TheWraith: F_ you Otto you bastard.

FireRed: Shelby!

TheWraith: I bleeped it out, it doesn't matter. It's still T.

FireRed: The fourth wall just died.

Shelby picked the lock and burst into Otto and Wing's room. She ran into the bathroom to see Otto pouring her precious cosmetics down the toilet. Shelby snarled and attacked the surprised albino, who collapsed to the floor. She picked up the remaining cosmetics and returned to her room, leaving Otto confused and hurt on the floor, while Wing kept shaking his head.

2) Introduce H.I. to Facebook.

H.I. was 'happy'. He'd recently discovered a new website. Facebook. Where you could make new friends, supposedly. H.I. wanted 'friends'. He supposed they were a good thing. The AI began to create his profile.

Name. That wasn't hard. H.I. entered his name. Age. H.I. didn't know. He'd overheard Nero saying that he was five, though, so the AI put that in. Status. Tricky. The AI decided, on an 'impulse' to put

'Just deleted Overlord!'. But what did he feel about that? H.I. 'thought' and put his final status in.

'Just totally owned Overlord guys! Like a badass!'

H.I. selected his profile, and joined Facebook.

Five months later...

Nero and Pike were discussing H.I. 's new attitude.

"He's very relaxed," Nero remarked.

"He gets angry sometimes," Pike said," And uses text speak."

The two men looked at each other as H.I. commented.

"56000 friends! Yeah!"

"Who let him join Facebook?"

In a room in H.I.V.E, two boys and two girls were laughing as they listened. One of the boys, a tall, dark figure, congratulated the other.

"Well done Otto."

3: H.I.V.E Chat may not be used to disrupt classes/assemblies.

"As I was saying, Bob was a great villain-"

A loud beeping arose throughout the room, then the video sent through H.I. began playing. Otto's voice came out of the speakers of every Blackbox.

"Block and Tackle's greatest fails!" proclaimed Otto.

The two resident morons appeared on screen.

"Number One- Push Or Pull?"

Block and Tackle stood in front of a door.

"How do we get through?" grunted Block.

Tackle slammed into the door. This had absolutely no effect. Block tried next, failing as well. Then a guard came and pulled the large handle, which said PULL, releasing them from their torment.

H.I. temporarily shut H.I. down, but not before chaos had struck. Raven set off to find Otto.

4: YouTube and H.I. do not mix.

Another not very peaceful day at the Higher Institute Of Villainous Education. Nero was tiredly teaching Villainy Studies, preparing to dismiss the class. At the back, Otto and Laura were teaching H.I. about the wondrous invention called YouTube. Nero dismissed the class, and H.I. spoke.

"Everybody do the flop."

Some Henchmen obeyed and hit the floor, while most H.I.V.E students just stared at the roof confusedly.

"Everybody do the Harlem Shake!"

Laughter started to spread through the H.I.V.E.

"Nyannyananyanyan."

"Nyan cat," sighed Otto,"Oh well."

"Nyanyanyannyannyannyannyanny annyanyna."

Otto put his hands over his ears. H.I. had found the 10 hour version. The H.I.V.E would suffer.

5: Do not give the Henchmen Maths tests.

Every Henchman received an envelope that morning. The letter said that they were allowed to beat up an Alpha of their choice if they got full marks. The highest score was 12/100. The video of the Henchmen trying to get full marks became the next YouTube sensation. Everybody except the Henchmen laughed that day. Even Raven _might_ have watched the video. _Might_ have.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I'm back with Part Two! Contains spoilers for Aftershock. I do not own H.I.V.E**

6: I may be allowed to leak fake coordinates for the Hunt to the Disciples.

Otto withdrew from the mass of data in H.I. 's core. He had the Hunt's location. Or did he? Otto did not know. He checked the data. _Surely this wasn't right?_ _What the hell,_ thought Otto, and pulled it out anyway.

Back in Disciple HQ.

"Miss! Our informant has reported in!" cried a Disciple soldier.

Anastasia smiled.

"Prepare for lift off!"

Let's just say, the Disciples were majorly confused when they landed in Majorca.

7: I am not allowed to prank call Nero.

It was a very calm - by H.I.V.E standards- day at the Higher institute Of Villainous Education. This may have been down to the fact that Otto was busy engineering his Blackbox, with most of the other troublemakers watching him.

Otto put down his Blackbox and moved onto the next. He engineered all the others in the same way, then tapped at his for a moment, and typed in a number on the newly-installed phone-calling software that was spreading across the school. Two metres away, Wing's Blackbox rung shrilly. Otto smiled.

"It works!" he said.

"But who're you going to call?" asked Shelby.

"Ghostbusters!" Otto cried.

Wing broke the confused silence.

"Otto, I have something bad to tell you..."

Otto looked up at Wing.

"Ghostbusters don't exist."

"They do!"

"They don't," Wing clarified.

"OK, I won't call Ghostbusters. How about Nero?"

"Is this a good idea?" asked Wing.

"Yes, he'll never know it's me. I'll change my voice!" Otto replied.

"But what about the picture of you and the name 'OTTO' that will flash on his screen?" enquired Wing.

"Minor, insignificant detail," Otto said.

The phone buzzed on the table in Nero's office. The man himself went over and picked up the phone.

"Hello, Global League Of Villainous Enterprises here-" began Nero.

"Pizza, pizza, buy some pizza! Only 2.99!" replied the person on the other end.

Nero slammed the phone down. It rang again, and Nero picked it up.

"One pound fish, one pound fish, very very good-"

Nero threw the phone this time, but it came back.

"It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday!"

Nero smashed the phone to pieces. He sat back in his chair, wondering who had called. He remembered the display. Malpense calling. Nero called for Raven.

8: Or say that Overlord is calling.

Nero's new phone rang. He looked at the display. The red face upon it turned his blood cold. It was Furan in a rage! No, just kidding, it was everybody's favourite evil AI.

Overlord Calling.

Nero answered the phone.

"Hello-"

"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" laughed 'Overlord'.

"Overlord?"

"It is me, evil human! I shall use Nyan Cat to kill you!" Overlord proclaimed," Followed by a magical unicorn!"

Nero frowned. This wasn't Overlord unless he was being really sneaky. He put the phone down just in case.

9: Wearing my 'MEMBER OF THE DISCIPLES AND PROUD OF IT' T-Shirt in H.I.V.E is not a good idea.

Otto strutted down the corridor. All eyes were upon him. There were whispers, and people were placing bets on how long he would last. As it happened, Raven was coming round the corner. She stared at him strangely.

"Remove that ... thing," she said.

Otto obliged, revealing an OVERLORD'S NO 1 FAN T-shirt. Raven facepalmed.

10: Saying that Nero's office is Candy Mountain won't get me out of detention for breaking in.

"So... let's get this straight."

"Let's get physical! You wanna get physical, physical!" sang Otto," Sorry."

"OK, so you broke into Nero's office because you thought it was _Candy Mountain_?" asked Raven.

"Yeah! He's a meanie though! Didn't give me a single Twix!" Otto protested.

Raven sighed.

"Detention and a visit to the psychiatrist."

A/N: Not to be taken seriously.


	3. Chapter 3

11: Holding a 'Support the Disciples' fundraiser is not a good idea.

Raven strolled down the corridor, in an unusually good mood. No evil plant monsters, no raging AIs, no crazy white haired kids running around causing trouble, oh, wait.

Raven swore as she saw the huge display ahead.

On it were all sorts of Disciple memorabilia. There was a 'I LOVE OVERLORD' T-shirt, replicas of Otto's infamous T-shirts, a mug with a 'KEEP CALM AND SUPPORT THE DISCIPLES' slogan and much more. Raven, used to this kind of thing, withdrew her katanas.

Otto arrived five minutes later to see his stand in ruins and Raven walking away. After he'd finished mourning, the albino muttered:

"Guess she didn't want a free T-shirt then."

12: I am not allowed to decorate Raven's katanas.

The shadowy figure snuck into Raven's quarters. The katanas lay on the table next to the bed. The room's occupant was currently in Nero's room, receiving a mission briefing. The shadowy figure grinned, and began his work.

Two hours later...

Raven returned and picked up her katanas. She looked at them, not processing what had been done. Then she realised.

The katanas had been vandalised. Somebody(cough, cough, _Otto_) had used permanent marker to draw smiley faces upon them. But that wasn't the worst. Secured with superglue, flowers decorated their blades. Raven growled. She could guess who'd done this.

13: I am not allowed to sell videos of Henchmen taking Maths assessment.

"Only a pound! DVDs, only a pound!"called Otto.

The albino was selling DVDs for a pound, the equivalent of a pound or some sweets. He'd made £100 already.

Otto spotted Henchmen in the distance, heading for him.

"Uh oh," muttered the albino, and ran with the money.

14: H.I.V.E mind isn't allowed to give you the answers, Otto, so stop pestering.

"Please?"

"I cannot fulfil your request."

"Pretty please?"

"I cannot fulfil your request."

"But H.I.V.E mind..."

Roughly two hours later

"C'mon H.I.V.E mind!"

"I cannot fulfil your request."

"Aww, H.I.V.E mind."

"I cannot fulfil your request."

About ten hours later.

"But H.I.V.E mind - oh, hi Raven!"

15: Raven does not have a theme song.

Another day, another dawn, another evil villain attack. Raven spun round, decapitating two foes with one slash and kicking the other down. Suddenly, a horrible noise broke out. Otto and Shelby were singing.

"Everybody was kung fu fighting! Those cats were as fast as lightning! In fact it was a little bit frightening! Whoahhaaa!"

Raven finished off the enemies and turned on the two. The theme song didn't last, put it that way.


End file.
